No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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