So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize