my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
