why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
