who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
