you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
