Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Randomize
