I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
