Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
