You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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