Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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