I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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