Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
