If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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