she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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