How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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