Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
