This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
