Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
please come you make the beer taste better
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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