why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
