I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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