Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
