New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
