he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
