I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
