I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
