clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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