We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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