The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
