Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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