I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just want nice things and good sex
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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