My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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