I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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