; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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