Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
