You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
