i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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