nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Randomize
