Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
