remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
