I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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