"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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