Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
