My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
