I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
