uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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