I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
