saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
