I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
