drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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