Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
