I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
