she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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