He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Of course I have a pirate flag
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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