apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Randomize
