Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
