you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
