you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
